A lifelong undiagnosed case of ADHD?

I'm extraordinarily happy to say that since my last blog post, I've had a dramatic improvement in the symptoms of depression, anxiety, and otherwise annoying feelings that I've been experiencing. These peaked this year, likely due to the series "undesirable events" that I dealt with--I'll save you the rehash on those...I think I've blogged enough about them, and it's time to move forward.

My dogs have always made me happy, so that's why
 they're in this post.  This is Barrett

Moving forward has taken a different path for me that I might have ever imagined. At the last appointment I had with my psychiatrist, we discussed the very real possibility that I may be dealing with a case of ADHD, which has been missed, and attributed to episodes of depression since my teenage years. As I write this post, and this is due to the engineering side of my brain, the diagnosis is not 100% certain, though it never really is, since medicine, and in particular medicine in the field of mental health is a substantial amount of art combined with science and medical knowledge.



Everyone knows what a hyperactive kid looks like--and that is somewhat difficult to miss--he or she has problems staying still, can't focus on a damn thing, and often breaks down into screaming fits for very little or no reason whatsoever.  That was never me. What was me is this form of ADHD known as inattentive type ADHD which presents in a different way. It's a lack of focus that takes the shape of the day-dreamer, resulting in things like an inability to stay involved in a conversation, doing things like rushing through tests and quizzes unnecessarily fast and making careless errors on them, starting but not finishing project after project, forgetting where you leave things like your keys or your wallet and having to spend endless time finding them. Reading through this list (https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/symptoms-of-inattentive-adhd/) makes me think "This is me, and this has been me ever since I can remember."

Josie and Max after dog park

There are a number of reasons why I can imagine this got missed--first and foremost is that a large percentage of inattentive type ADHD cases go undiagnosed. Estimates vary, but somewhere on the order of 50%-75% of adults with ADHD go undetected (https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/related-illnesses/other-related-conditions/adult-adhd#). In addition to that, inattentive type ADHD affects women and girls more often than it affects men and boys.

Additionally, long periods of my life were occupied with things that resulted in self-treatment of ADHD symptoms. Exercise is one of those things, due to exercise's effect to aid in increased levels of dopamine in the brain (https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/adult-adhd-and-exercise#1). During my high school days and portions of college, I was a swimmer, training upwards of 5 hours a day, and my ability to focus on things was reasonable.  It helped that I was good at school--I was the master of the "study break"--which is exactly the opposite of what you're thinking. I would spend an hour doing anything else, and then 5 minutes studying and absorbing some piece of material until I understood it and lost interest in studying it anymore. I swam in college, and then I didn't swim, and then I swam again when I lost my direction. In the off-swimming semesters, I became a caffeine addict and it turns out that caffeine is also a treatment for ADHD, although a somewhat less effective one (https://www.additudemag.com/treatment/caffeine/). At the peak of my caffeine issues in my adult life, I was consuming 12 shots of espresso a day.

Max--most photogenic dog ever

Some semesters in college, I resorted to alcohol, and substance abuse is clearly associated with untreated ADHD. People turn to alcohol (or some people turn to other substances) as a way to quiet the mind, or in some cases, to relax inhibitions to incite the impulsivity issues that go along with ADHD. I say that I drank a lot during some semesters in college--that statement is often a no-brainer.  College is a place where people tend to experiment with drinking, and often do it a lot. It's a societal norm. The thing is that I drank a lot during the semesters that I wasn't swimming, that I wasn't overly focused on finding a way to stay on top of school work (drinking a pot of coffee a day), and often to get through some of the more mundane tasks I had to deal with. There was a structural analysis class that I went to either already buzzing or with an alcoholic drink in my hand because it bored the crap out of me--when it came time to take the final, I decided I had to be in the same state of mind that I learned the material in, so I went for drinks before it. I got an A, and I believe one of the highest scores in the class.

Josie

These types of self medication (exercise, caffeine, alcohol) are common in people with undiagnosed ADHD. Some people who are open to it, and able to do it, also resort to marijuana--which I'm unable to try due to my job. Interestingly enough, out of those self medication options, weed may be the best option of them all, but it remains illegal at a federal level, and therefore is not an option for me in my profession.

So my psychiatrist put me on Adderall, and when the dosage was increased to where it is now, I saw an immediate and profound effect in my ability to get through my day. Tasks became less daunting. Challenging work became interesting again, as opposed to just being aggravating. Over time, my level of happiness has increased to the point where the job that I'm dealing with now, while on travel, is difficult, but more in the vein of a "challenging and interestingly type of difficult." Don't get me wrong--having to leave the hotel at 5am to get to a maneuver this morning was not my preference, but it didn't seem like the weight of the world was crushing me either.

In the world of triathlon, I look forward to workouts now. I've signed up for a couple of races in April and May, and I'm working out what my larger goals are for the year. I feel like life is resuming for me.

So now I'm off to get a run in along the Seine. It's really one of the most picturesque places in the world to go running--I'm very lucky that way.

Eiffel Tower/Statue of Liberty