It's now been over 12 weeks since I spiked a fever and then spent 2 weeks laid up in bed hacking up all sorts of crap until my lungs finally cleared. I returned to work for 3 hours before I got sent home to work from there until the danger of this pandemic subsided.
I'm not dealing with it well.
There is no doubt in my mind that I've lost all sense of what it means to be human, and what it means to live your life. We all knew that this was going to be inconvenient. We knew that there were going to be sacrifices that would make life more difficult for a period of time.
What we didn't know was exactly how nebulous that timeframe would be. Let's face it--after a couple of weeks of writhing in agony while dealing with a fever, working from home for a couple of weeks, or even a month or two was a welcome change. Now, that time has turned into an eternity with no firm end date in sight. That's probably the hardest part of this to deal with.
The other hard part is that there is no joy.
My days have turned into a series of chores that bring me no joy. I wake up. I eat, not because I enjoy eating, but because I know that if I don't eat, I'm going to be distracted and tired, and even more run down than if I do eat. I've tried working out in the morning before work. I've tried working out at lunch. I've tried working out in the evening.
I just don't fucking care anymore.
It brings me no joy. With the city pools closed down, I've tried swimming in open water. It is not the same, even once I got past the fact that I can't see my fingers in the murky water here. It simply doesn't bring the same feelings of solace that a well done workout in a pool does. Maybe it's the constant fear of death. Maybe it's the constant fear of sewage in the water, or the fish, or just drowning for no good reason. Maybe it's the constant fear that I'm not far enough away from whoever is next to me, or in front or behind me. Maybe it's the fear that I'm going to die and nobody's going to give a crap.
Maybe it's my job.
I can't really talk about my job here. Whatever. You probably don't need those details to conclude that it's my job.
I miss hugs.
Maybe it's the lack of hugs. It's the lack of close contact. Zoom calls are frustrating, but necessary. I'm uncomfortable staring at people on a screen, so I look away a lot. I miss out on any of the body language that might be present there. It's just gone. Zoom calls are to friendships what porn is to romantic relationships.
I am simply empty, in need of a hug.
