October is national depression and anxiety awareness month

I'm writing this post in large part because May is not the recognized month for depression and anxiety awareness, and it's May, and October is--well, October is a long way away.

Check out http://www.projectsemicolon.org

About a month ago, I went in for my annual physical, and was pleasantly surprised to be greeted by the nurse and asked if I had any history with depression, or if I was feeling sad.  This was one of the standard intake questions, which was recently added to the list of things they ask about for physicals. I responded that I had, gave a brief history, and then remarked that it was refreshing that they are now doing this.

Since ending taking Klonopin at the beginning of this year, I had a resurgence of my issues with insomnia, anxiety, and depression.  The triad of these conditions is common, and if you can defeat one of them, you can generally break the cycle of each of them feeding into the other.  My path, once I figured that out was to determine how to deal with my depression as I had in the past.  Klonopin and some cognitive behavorial therapy in addition to my workouts kept everything in check for a while. And then it was gone.

I experimented with taking Turmeric, which seemed to provide a boost to my mood, but I quickly found out that there is an interaction between turmeric and aspirin that can cause a substantial risk of bleeding.  I stopped the turmeric.  And then I decided that I needed to enlist my doctor.

One of the things that I am commonly asked about by people who don't know me is if I'm getting enough exercise, because "exercise is the best cure for depression."  Those of you who know me are probably picturing me laughing hysterically at this.  I generally take a step back, breathe, and then explain that I'm a triathlete, that I often get 2 workouts in a day, and I have had ups and downs with depression throughout my time as a swimmer and now in my adult life as a triathlete.

Exercise is a mood booster and has been shown to be effective in combatting mild depression as effectively as some drugs.  It has its limitations--for more severe cases of depression, exercise cannot be the only line of defense.   A well written article on the benefits of exercise for depression can be found at http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/03/for-depression-prescribing-exercise-before-medication/284587/ 

The problem with this is that exercise is not a panacea.  The details of the article touch on this, but the article also goes on to say that depressed patients are likely to lie about the amount of exercise they get.  It sums up the problem that some depressed patients have with their relationships with their doctors, therapists, and psychiatrists.  It hints that medical professionals may first think that the depressed individual must not be getting enough exercise if that exercise is not helping.

At one end of the spectrum is the existence of "Post Ironman Depression Syndrome," which is a very real, very physical, and simultaneously very mental encapsulation of the relationship between exercise and depression.  Put simply, in the time following an ironman triathlon, the athlete's body has to rest and recover.   This resting and recovering is a change to the standard amount of exercise they have been getting up to that point, and when combined with the completion of a task that was likely their huge goal they had been working up to, the athlete is left without direction.  Without direction, and in the let-down that occurs in the phase of "What do I do next?", depression ensues.  I experienced this first-hand following both my first Ironman, and my last.  With my first Ironman, I had initially decided to go on and continue with racing at that distance in the future, having a second ironman on the schedule for 6 months later.  I wound up with appendicitis, and then two surgical hernias that would take over a year to get past.  Complicating my post-ironman-depression was a year that I spent predominantly on the couch. My second ironman motivated me--I took a few weeks off, and started working with my triathlon coach to prepare for my third ironman, which (to date) has been my last.  At this race, I achieved what I had previously set as my lifetime goal for that distance of race (sub 13 hours), by going 12:44 on that day.

The experience of achieving this goal was both satisfying and elating.  It also led to a lack of direction.  Joanna, my tri-coach, largely saved me from a complete downward spiral by not allowing me to take a month off of training after this race.  I got a week--and then returned to training after that time, and that was about right.

Triathletes, and I imagine a lot of athletes in other sports, have a tendency to bury themselves in the process.  The amount of training required is extreme, and being involved in it can mask the symptoms of depression.  Life can often go on autopilot, and recognizing the symptoms of depression can be difficult.  If your life has become about waking up, going on a workout, going to work, going on a workout, going back to work, going home and going to sleep, that can be ok.  If you experience no joy from that process, that's probably not ok, in particular if you have experienced joy in the past from it.

Help is available, but getting proper help can be difficult to achieve.  It's my opinion that the state of mental health care in this country is poor.  I'm currently on an antidepressant (Wellbutrin) that I was prescribed by my primary care physician, largely because I told him it had worked for me in the past--which it did in the late 90s.  The benefit of Wellbutrin is that I can train on it, and it doesn't make me lethargic or cause weight gain like SSRIs (Zoloft, Celexa, Prozac) can.  The problem is that my primary care physician is reticent to prescribe it at the dosage I was on previously for a long period of time, which means I need to find a psychiatrist.  And I have health insurance, so that shouldn't be a problem, right?

Wrong.  My health insurance carved out mental health care to a different program, and my experience with that is that there are a lot of really bad psychiatrists on that plan.  Effectively, good psychiatrists don't sign on to be bound by cheap health insurance, at least in the Los Angeles area, and the ones who I've encountered on this plan either phone it in on a daily basis, or are simply bad at what they do.  I have wound up effectively self-medicating when seeing one of these psychiatrists in the past.  A patient should not be in a position where he goes to a psychiatrist and that doctor asks what he thinks he should be on, and then breaks out a prescription pad and is done with him.  Patients go to doctors to get well, and doctors should use their expertise to help them to get well.

So, the plan at this point is that I'm going to mail my primary care doctor a list of the psychiatrists that are on my plan, and hopefully he will be able to recommend one of them.  To add to the list of frustrations, I have to snail mail this list to him, because the system at his office does not allow email attachments, and he wants a full list that cannot be transcribed to simple text and fit within the confines of the email size limit.  Ultimately, this limitation was put in place by his office due to HIPAA.  Thanks, HIPAA--I'm sure that something you've done has helped somebody, somewhere, but for the most part, you're a pain in the ass.

I have digressed.  If you're depressed and you're an athlete, please reach out to get some help, and do not take an explanation from anyone that you should be happy simply because you're working out. You don't have to live this way, and while difficult to do, navigating the health system in the United States is possible, and can dramatically benefit your quality of life.

Traveling Triathlete

Flying home from DC today, I got asked the question if I was in town for a triathlon while clearing security in Dulles--I was easily identifiable as a triathlete today since I had a speedo backpack with a bike helmet hanging off it. In the 20 seconds or so that I had to converse with this guy, I responded "No, I was here on business, but I travel with my bike." And he asked if I had a special box for my bike, and my answer was that I've got 2 bags so I can check my bike without paying a bike fee.

It occurred to me that very few people will ever attempt to travel with a bike. It's the realm of professional triathletes, professional cyclists, and nut-jobs.  I fall in the latter category, but for very good reason. Being able to stay focused on my workout routine keeps me grounded mentally, and being able to ride the bike I ride all the time makes it an experience that doesn't hurt, because my bike fits me, and I have a power meter to take all of the guesswork out of training properly. I suppose that last statement pushes me into the nut-job category.

I have had an uncountable number of people ask me why I just don't rent a bike. Or buy a cheap bike and give it to someone after I'm done traveling. The answer to both questions is that it won't fit correctly, and I'll be in pain and not ride it much.

I thought it might be worthwhile to put together my thoughts on traveling with a bike on today's airlines. Maybe it'll help someone.

Number 1:  Traveling with a bike is a huge pain in the ass. Accept this fact, or just don't travel with a bike.

Number 2:  Bike fees vary dramatically between airlines. In general, the more major airlines charge more to check a bike bag, while the smaller airlines charge less. It runs counter to a lot of ideas going on with the nickle-and-dime mentality of lower cost airlines, but just do your research before you buy your plane ticket. The bike fee is as much as $300 each way on some airlines, but it can be as low as $50 each way on others.

Number 3:  The mythological age of a bike fee being waived by a nice person at the check in counter ended a long time ago--longer ago than when I started flying with a bike.  I read about some of these occurrences once in an encyclopedia.  Ok--just kidding, it was on the web, but those write-ups seemed to be dated back into the 90s, if not earlier.   Do not kid yourself into thinking you can get a full sized bike fee waived because you're a nice person, or because you have airline status, or because you have a higher class of service ticket.

Bike packed for shipping

Number 4:  It is possible to reduce the amount you have to pay to transport a bike by selecting bike bags that fit within the normal size requirements for luggage. I'm currently using a set of bags sold by Ruster Sports. Your wheels go in one bag, and your frame goes in another bag after you substantially disassemble the bike. This process is not for the faint of heart.  I'm an engineer, and I like working with tools. It took me 3 hours to disassemble my bike and pack it up the first time I did it, and I now have the process down to 45 minutes. I have not been charged a bike fee using the bags so far anytime I have flown with them--but there are airlines that will charge you a bike fee regardless of the size of the bag if they identify that there is a bike in the bag at all. And if you're traveling with a bike, it's obvious--again, do not kid yourself about this.

Number 5:  Wherever you're traveling to has a different rhythm and feel for how cycling goes than wherever you live.  I've done a number of trips to the DC area. I have been screamed at for riding on the road by drivers within eyesight of signs posted that say "Bicycle Friendly Community." There are places you can ride in DC and get a decent workout in, and there are places you can ride and just puddle along, and then there are places you just shouldn't ride at all. There are differences in body language on the bike that you really don't notice until you're riding with other people from the area, but for the most part, if you're friendly and well meaning, you'll be fine.

Number 6:  Something is going to go wrong with traveling with your bike--not all the time, but more often than you'd like it to. You should expect TSA to inspect your bike bag. I get a note saying they did every time I fly with it. I once had my bike not make it on a direct flight to a triathlon I was doing, even though my suitcase did arrive. I was reunited with my bike something like 18 hours before the race. On this past trip, a piece fell out of my rear wheel hub, rendering my bike inoperable. Before I found this piece a day later, I'd gone to two bike stores to purchase a new one, and was told that it was a special order part that would take 7-10 days to arrive--my trip was 10 days long, making it questionable whether I would get the part before I left.

Number 7:  Your bike may or may not come up on the same luggage carousel as all the standard luggage. Ask when you arrive, and be prepared for the answer you get to occasionally be wrong.

Number 8:  Get a travel hand pump with a pressure gauge built into it--one that reads pressure as you're pumping, just like your floor pump does. Once I bought one of these, I didn't dread pumping my tires up while on travel. Try the "Topeak Road Morph G with gauge" pump (http://www.amazon.com/Topeak-Road-Morph-Bike-Gauge/dp/B000FI6YOS/ref=sr_1_1?s=sporting-goods&ie=UTF8&qid=1458499904&sr=1-1&keywords=topeak+road+morph+g+bike+pump+with+gauge)

The bike bags I'm currently using

Number 9:  Pack extra clothes along with your bike, but put them inside of a pillow case you don't mind getting bike grease on. You're going to be limited in space because you're occupying some of your checked luggage with a bike. The bike, even though it is big, is lighter than the 50 pound max you can check, so you can make use of this.

Number 10:  Assess your situation before deciding what type of bike bag to buy. A single hardcase may be right for you. Or you may fall on the other end of the scale with a total breakdown and rebuild like me. And buy your bike bag well before the first trip you'll use it on, and make sure you follow the directions on how to pack your back in it. Once you weigh the balance of cost vs. time spent breaking down and rebuilding your bike, you can figure out what you want.

Even with all of this mess, having your bike with you makes long trips away from home more tolerable. Even on the days that it's been snowing and I haven't been able to ride, just seeing my bike in my hotel room helps to ground me.

Turmeric--the next new (or ancient) wonder drug?

I've slept normally for the past 5 days. This is a statement that most people would probably take for granted--for me, it's an accomplishment that rivals any achievement I have had in recent years.

Turmeric--I actually take standardized pills--you would
have to eat 7 tablespoons of this stuff
 a day to get an effective dose

Back in the middle of December, I went in to a new doctor in order to have a lump on my finger assessed--and went through the normal form-filling-out, list all your medications and relevant medical history, and I did what I should have, which was to write down that I was taking Klonopin for anxiety and aspirin for my heart defect. End of story--or so I thought, while sitting in the waiting room. My new doctor greeted me in the exam room, and then immediately voiced his concern about the Klonopin. Recent studies had shown a link between the use of benzodiazepines (the class of drug that Klonopin is in, along with Xanax and a few others) and the potential for development of Alzheimers and dementia later in life. The lump on my finger was a ganglion cyst (or commonly known as a bible bump) and required no treatment, and would only need surgery if it became painful.

I had considered getting off of Klonopin for a while at this point--my pattern of usage was that when traveling, I would take it every night to sleep, and when not traveling I would taper down to something more reasonable. Due to my difficult schedule last year, this turned into basically taking it every night for the time between August and December. The dosage I was on was small compared to heavy benzo users, and larger doses are more likely the cause for concern with the development of dementia later in life.

The science behind the study is questionable--there is something fundamentally wrong with trying to establish a causal relationship between a drug and a condition for a drug that is used as the first line of defense to treat that condition in most cases. The authors of the study suggest they eliminated this relationship by only looking at people who took benzos more than 5 years before their Alzheimers or dementia diagnosis. Other studies point to the development of symptoms of dementia or Alzheimers as much as 20 years before diagnosis. The flaw in the study is apparent to people such as myself, without a medical degree, and the comments to the published studies between people who are obviously medical doctors or medical researchers are as vehement as Facebook posts about the current slew of presidential candidates.

To get straight to the point, I got off of Klonopin partly because of the possibility of this linkage, but more because it left me feeling run down and tired at times--take too much Klonopin too many days in a row, and you're in a brain fog. Take too little and you can't sleep. Take the right amount for too long, and you grow a tolerance to it, requiring more, resulting in brain fog. It was time to be done with it.

The withdrawal period was ridiculous. I did not sleep for 3 straight nights trying to go cold turkey as my doctor suggested. I then decided to taper off of the drug for about 3 weeks. I was encouraged to use melatonin to aid in getting to sleep, starting at 3 mg, and increasing it until I actually got to sleep. I wound up at 9 mg, well under the maximum dosage my doctor suggested of 20, but I was having problems sleeping through the night, often getting 3 to 5 hours of sleep and not being able to go back to sleep. Three weeks after my final dose of Klonopin, I talked with my doctor again, and he suggested hitting myself with another dose of melatonin when I woke up in the middle of the night, which allowed me to sleep a more reasonable amount of time. I was back to my usual 6.5 to 7.5 hours of sleep at night, even if it was broken up.

My saving grace came from an unusual source. Somebody in my Facebook feed posted an article describing the use of Turmeric as an antidepressant. The study done to prove this pitted the use of Turmeric against pharmaceutical antidepressants in a controlled scientific manner. The conclusion of this study was that Turmeric (when taken at the right dose, with black pepper to aid in absorption) was equally as effective as SSRI meds, but without the litany of side effects. I am still in the middle of the two to four week period that it takes for Turmeric to reach full effectiveness, but I am seeing improvements in my sleep pattern and my mood that rival what I have seen before when on the various antidepressants I have been prescribed throughout my life.

I've had some decent workouts in training for triathlon--but a necessary precursor to heavy training is having the rest of your body and your life in order. I'm getting there--I'm starting to enjoy my workouts again, and I'm starting to look forward to life with some optimism. It's really amazing to me that the solution to the trinity of depression, anxiety, and insomnia may very well be this yellow spice consumed for ages by people in another part of the world.

Take care of your body...nobody else is going to.

The past several months have been difficult for me, to say the least--and training and staying in shape has suffered because of it.

Arc de Triomphe

Eiffel Tower Run

More concerning, though, is what it has done to my overall well-being. Since August, I have traveled to the east coast 3 times, the Philippines, France, and Sweden. The reactions that I get from people that I tell this to range from severe jealousy to statements like "Just think of all those frequent flyer miles you're getting." I'm just going to dispel those things right now. I traveled to the Philippines in the middle of the rainy season--it poured rain for the first 3 days I was there, and then for the remaining time, it rained most of every day except for a few hours here and there. The times when it wasn't raining became a steam bath, with temps in the 90s and humidity hovering around 100%. Mosquitoes came out in droves when it was not pouring rain. My trips to DC weren't nearly as severe as far as the weather goes, but precious little time was available, since every day I was there was a work day. Paris was nice--I flew in one day, had a day's worth of meetings and then flew out the next day. In the midst of trying to deal with a 9 hour time change, I got a couple of runs in around the city, under the Eiffel tower and down the Seine. It was picturesque and scenic--I didn't mind the misery of jet lag for those few days. Sweden, on the other hand, was a trip north of the arctic circle at a time of year when the sun is technically above the horizon for 2-3 hours per day. It was cold, and I worked an insane number of hours. I had committed to this trip long before any of the other trips on my schedule, so I have to say that I don't place any blame on this singularity--I knew it was coming, it was the stuff that filtered in around the trip that really did me in.

Guard at Stockholm Palace

Between Sweden and my last trip to DC, I got sick, and it turned out I got really sick--the likes of which I haven't seen for years. I hacked up and blew out greyish-green chunky crap from my lungs and sinuses, and began having difficulty breathing, at which point I finally called in sick to work and went to an urgent care to get it taken care of. I was very conscious of the doctor in the room backing away from me after examining me, presumably to minimize his exposure to whatever it was I had. He prescribed a z-pack, and it was highly effective at curing me. My sinus infection was much improved after a day, and by the two day mark seemed to be completely gone. My chest took a few days longer to clear.

The net sum of what I have been through resulted in something else that was unintended--I missed a large number of my regular trips to my chiropractor and massage therapist. I had scheduled one of those trips for after my trip to Sweden and canceled and rescheduled it when I initially got sick, for a week later--which turned out to be the peak of my illness, and I had to cancel it again.

I intended to get into the chiropractor and massage therapist at some point in the next week or so, and it so happens that my back spasmed yesterday morning--I managed to make it through a meeting at work, and my chiropractor fit me in at the end of the day. A massage is out of the question in this state--I've got one scheduled for Tuesday next week which should be after the inflammation dies down.

I did a lot of things in the past several months that fly in the face of what I know I need to do to keep my body healthy. Sitting on planes for long periods of time exacerbates my issues with my back. Being away from what I've got set up as a healthy working configuration (standing desk in my cube) makes it harder for me to avoid the things that perturb my back issues. Working long hours takes away from the work/life balance I have tried so hard to achieve, and bites into the precious little time I have to do the extra things to keep my aging body from revolting on me due to the exercise I need to do.

I'm sitting in the middle of what appears to be the new normal at work--and I have to prioritize my life to make the new normal not kill me in the process. Getting enough rest and taking care of my body shoot to the top of the list. Figuring out how to do all of that while maintaining progress toward my goals in triathlon is going to be a challenge, but I think I can figure it out.

I am sure there is more to come on this.

Am I getting up or am I falling down?

This morning's run--good morning, Virginia!

I know that, on the surface, all athletes go through one form of this or another.  It's perfectly normal and logical to have ruts, down periods, and low motivation at times when training and racing.  Several years ago now, I pulled out all the stops, abused the crap out of my body, and got through an amazing day at Ironman Arizona.  It was a year that I recognized to be advancement in the sport of triathlon that was paralleled by similar experiences im my life, like the first year that I went to Pine Crest as a swimmer in high school--the simple reality is that those times as an athlete are not the norm--and the performances should be cherished, along with the rewards that go with them.

Since that performance at Ironman Arizona, I've had some difficulty with racing, training, and injury, but I've also had some very positive signs.  Earlier this year, I PR'd my half marathon on a crazy-ass hilly course.  I PR'd my half-ironman bike split (both by wattage and time) on the way to my second fastest half-ironman ever.  I've identified and am working to corrections in my swimming training that should result in an up-ramp in my speed, and I'm seeing those results in workouts.  In all likelihood, I am probably faster than I have ever been before in triathlon.

The problem at this point is the work/life/triathlon balance.  I'm traveling a lot for work.  Brian and I are remodeling large portions of our house, and I lack time due to commuting and work issues that are somewhat out of my control. These are normal problems, and they are transient in nature.  The key to them is to keep them transient in nature, and not let them become the status quo.  I have witnessed the result of burnout both in my professional career and in my athletic endeavors, and that is not a path anyone wants to go down.  I had a discussion with Joanna, my coach, about this year about my complicated travel schedule, and she has been a strong voice of reason and incredibly patient with me.  The bike workouts are in maintenance mode, and I think I'm harder on myself about missing workouts than Joanna is on me.  That's life--there are only so many hours in a day, and only so much cumulative mental and physical stress you can place on a given person.



And I am no stranger to stress and anxiety--but I've found a somewhat unusual tool to battle with it.  My time spent on the 405 back and forth to work each day was an hour of bumper to bumper traffic each way, and added to the overall level of agitation I had in my life.  Over the course of a couple of years, I found that my problems with depression and anxiety were fueled more by the anxiety side of things, and that, instead of anti-depressants, with their host of side effects, the simpler answer was Klonopin, which is in the same family as Xanax but longer lasting in nature. Until very recently, I had resigned myself to the concept of potentially being on this drug for life.  And then my parents came into town and my Mom inspired me to pick up a knitting project I had left to the wayside a couple of years ago.  And that knitting project reminded me just how therapeutic the process is.  The rhythmic nature of the work is sedating, while the work itself involves your mind just enough to simultaneously distract it while letting it work through thoughts without wrapping your mind in a negative feedback loop.  It's the same place you get to when things are clicking during a good workout, or a good race--and the big difference is that I can do it twice a day, every day, while sitting on the train on the way back and forth to work.

So, I finished a pair of gloves...and I'm working on something else right now--and I'm reducing my dosage of Klonopin, with the idea of getting completely off it at some point in the future.  Klonopin withdrawal is a bitch--and it takes months to taper off it completely and safely. So, this is normal.

And I had a really good run this morning, and a good swim yesterday.  I'd say I'm standing up that eighth time, whether or not I fell for a seventh.

Midlife process check

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been grappling with several aspects of my life that have shifted.  In triathlon, I dropped out of Full Vineman a couple of months before the race due to injury, and also due to my determination that I was simply done with the long version (Ironman distance) of triathlons.  At work, various forces have caused me to move into a different assignment than I’ve had before, and at home, Brian and I have gotten ourselves in over our heads with a remodeling job on the house.

My vacation last week (which was awesome) began with several days of kicking back, relaxing, and decompressing while laying by the pool and hitting a winery or two a day while we were in Sonoma county.  The days away from work allowed me to get some perspective on my life that I don’t think I could have while in the midst of all the daily hustle and bustle.   To put it simply, I could not see the forest through the trees.

I had reached a point where I simply was not enjoying the majority of what I was doing during the day.  Workouts became obligations.  Work was about clocking time.  Home chores were about achieving the bare minimum.  Taking care of our dogs was a “whose turn is it?” scenario between Brian and I.  And the remodel was the overbearing weight on our shoulders that was the last thing we wanted to deal with at the end of the day. 

This conglomeration of symptoms is often a sign that therapists look at as evidence of depression and anxiety.  I think that in this case though, I had simply overwhelmed myself with too many things at one time.

In triathlon, I don’t have a race on the schedule.  I blew off a 5k right before my vacation because I was stressed out of my mind.   I have made the explicit determination not to put a race on the schedule for the near future so that I can work through this and come out of it with a healthier outlook.   I have always been a goal-oriented person, so this is a change of direction for me, but one that I think is necessary.  While training for the last Ironman I did in 2011, I had a very different mentality about the sport than I do now—it was to complete all the training and pull out all the stops at all costs.  I grew to resent a lot of the time I spent on the bike and what was then significant discomfort while running—this likely led to the injuries that I sustained in the season that followed.  

I’m spending time figuring out how to get back to enjoying the building blocks of the process.  This morning, before my 15 hour flight to Manila, I got a bike ride in, and it was rather enjoyable.  I went in the morning in the Los Angeles area on a weekday—which made a lot of the difference.  Bike paths and roads are overcrowded with people in my area on the weekday evenings and on the weekends.  While it’s fine to deal with that, I had set myself up such that the majority of my bike workouts would be in the evening.  Getting home from work, when you’re already tired, and facing what will be a mentally exhausting game of human dodgeball on the bike path led me to choose to skip a lot of these workouts.  From a swimming perspective, I had set myself up to swim at night because of the lure of the Belmont pool—it was the same schedule problem.  Getting from work to the pool for a 7pm workout meant leaving work an hour and a half before the workout, and either sitting in traffic for most of that time, or riding mass transit and then a 20 minute drive from the train station to the pool.   Coupled with a relatively low attendance of people at workout, I had little motivation to keep doing this.  It wasn’t enjoyable and it was stressing me out.  Running-wise however, things have started to turn around for me--I am starting to have days with no foot pain at all.  It makes a huge difference to approach a workout and not have a predetermination that you’re simply fighting a war of attrition with your ability to tolerate pain.

Whoever took this picture deserves a medal

I’ve been a lifelong athlete—and I will always be an athlete.  Sometimes a tweak or two is in order to keep things fresh, to keep yourself interested, and to keep the balance of your life in swing.  That’s all that’s really going on here, and it’s all that should be going on.   So I’m figuring out what works for me without the context of a major goal in place, and then I’ll see how that meshes with a goal in the future.

For work, I’ve landed in a job that is interesting, and more importantly has less daily doomsday water cooler talk.  My first thought when I got to work before was “What time can I leave?” and now I’m back to focusing on the job that needs to be done and not watching minutes go by on the clock.

Brian and I are taking a more sane approach to the remodel as well, and it’s going to take longer, but it’ll be on a schedule that does not overly dominate our lives.

We’ve all only got one life to live, and age-wise, I’m sitting somewhere near the middle of mine.  I think I’m on my way to figuring out what I want the second half of my life to be.

Brava, Caitlyn Jenner

I grew very sad for the state of our world over the past week, and it peaked when I saw that someone had gathered over 10,000 signatures to petition the IOC to revoke the gold medal that Bruce Jenner won at the Olympics, all because 30+ years later Bruce Jenner transitioned to being Caitlyn Jenner.

The people who started this petition are not stupid.  They surely realized that the IOC's policy that was put in place for transgendered competition does not apply retroactively--they sought to penalize Caitlyn because they were lashing out at her for being different than they are.  They do not accept that a person can have issues with their gender identity, and that in some cases, the only way they can live their lives is to transition to the opposite sex. These people sought nothing more than punitive action for someone that has been a public figure and a role model--someone who is having a very public battle with a very difficult set of issues. Nobody who transitions from male to female, or from female to male, does so lightly.

I have to believe that for most of the people that signed this petition, it is simply because they did not know any better.  It is entirely possible that they have never spoken to a transgendered person, that they do not know the pain that has gone on in their lives, because someone who is transgendered does not feel right in the body that they were born with, as the sex that they were born as.  The simple fact of the matter is that the percentage of transgendered people at any stage of their lives is quite small, to the point that the vast majority of Americans have never known someone who has struggled with gender identity.  So, I believe that most of the people that signed that petition do not know that transgendered people are often so wracked with anguish that they decide to kill themselves because of a fear of society not accepting them, and that needs to stop.  We need to educate people on what it means to be different, and get them to stop rejecting things that they don't understand for no other reason than that other people do not fit their mold.

I did say most of those over 10,000 people, and not all.  Some of those 10,000 people are simply intolerant to the point that they will never change their mind regardless of what kind of evidence they see, or who in their personal lives suffers.  Those people, in all likelihood, cannot be reached.  But most people do have the capability to grow and understand, and I applaud Caitlyn Jenner for thrusting herself in the spotlight to cause this discussion to happen on such a public level.

I did not have issues with gender identity at any point in my life.  I'm a gay man that is very happy being a man--I will say that when I was a child, not having being gay as an acceptable lifestyle model caused confusion for me.  What did it mean that I found myself attracted to other boys when I was a younger boy and not attracted to girls?  When I was a teenager, what did it mean when I didn't find myself sexually aroused by the girls I dated?  Did it mean that I was supposed to have been a woman?  I did not have the benefit of a dialog with anyone because I was so hopelessly in the closet until late in my college days.  It hurts children to have a standard that being gay or being transgendered is not normal.  We need to stop hurting children.

If you do not understand what being a transgendered person is all about, please reach out
to someone--the world needs to become a better place, and we will not get there by lashing out at one another.